Enough is Enough

We've all had that moment. The one where you decide you are done. Just done. Maybe it's with the PTA or some craft you've been working on or trying to get that dang stain off of the counter (just me? okay.) but we've all been there, none the less.

And maybe it's something bigger. I have a friend who has declared 2013 "The Year of No CRAP". And I love that! She decided it was time to stop taking other peoples crap, that she'd stop dealing with the crap she doesn't want to deal with... you know what I'm talking about: maybe you don't care that your junk drawer is over flowing and why should you? Or maybe you couldn't care one iota about a pile of shoes in your closet. And again why should you? And honestly? You think that blonde with the 6 kids and the perfect manicure and the perfect legs and the perfect husband and the homemade cupcakes is probably really stinking tired!!!

Well, we do care and here's why. We "feel" like we should care because we live in this self-obsessed world where the how-to's, the tips, the tricks, the blogs, the magazines, the "I woke up at 4:30 am and went for an 8 mile run, came home made breakfast for my family, packed my kiddos and husband's lunch, cleaned all the bathrooms, showered and got dressed, including these fabulous 6" platform heels and mini-dress, that I'm now going to chase my 3 year old around in all day" MOMS, tell us we should have perfectly organized "junk drawers" (am I the only one who sees the oxymoron here?) and our shoes should all be aligned according to height and color and season... is that even possible?

And we compare ourselves to each other like no other generation before. Why? Well because we can. We are inundated with pictures of grandiose homes and perfectly-styled children on beaches and husbands in $250 dress shirts and women who some how find the time to practice nail art on a daily basis while they scrub their baseboards with homemade non-toxic cleaners!

And here's the deal: I'm not saying you shouldn't try that nifty nail art trick or that non-toxic homemade cleaners aren't awesome and probably better for you. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to do everything you want to do. If you want to be that woman, than more power to you. What I'm saying is, when are we going to stop trying to be other women in hopes of becoming our perfect selves? Because I truly believe that the only way I can be the me I'm meant to be, the me that God intends me to be, is if I'm honest with myself about my life. Who are my friends, where and how do I spend my time, what things I'm doing and what are their purposes in my life? Am I being the best mother and wife I can be? These are the important questions.

So my friend decided enough was enough and stopped the CRAP! Like I said, we have all been there.

I know I have.

I think I'm there now.

10 Steps to Being a Better Momma

I am not always a very good momma. I'm just not. I'm a little OCD and I'm controlling and I have little to no patience when I need to get things done. I'm quick to yell and I'm quick to say no. I also tolerate absolutely no back-talk (okay that one might be okay).

And sometimes, most days actually, I think "Wow! You need to breathe Amanda! They are just children!" So what is a modern, stay-at-home-mommy supposed to do? (You see the use of modern? It's there because in 1955 I just would have started mixing martinis at 3:30 PM.) Well here is what I'm going to do: my list for taking the steps necessary to change my outlook on myself as a momma.

1. Count to 10. And do it right now! Before you yell or put them in time-out or lose your cool. Is what they are asking or doing really all that bad? Are they just being children? Probably. See? You are much calmer now.

2. At least once a day when they ask you to do something you do not want to do, do it anyway! Why? Well because you make them do things all day long that they don't want to do and turn about is just fair play!

3. Be silly! This one is very hard for me. I'm sure there is some deep-rooted early childhood trauma or family issue that has caused me to pretend that nothing amuses me but... I'm raising children. And the whole wide world amuses them so I should just roll with it and laugh, and make goofy faces and let myself giggle when they burp (Unless it's at the dinner table... I have lines.)

4. Remember those games you played as a kid? Teach them to your kids! Jump over the cracks, play "I Spy with My Little Eye", Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Cooties, "My Momma Told Me", etc. If you PLAY with your children then you let yourself into their world. You become a part of their imagination. Why would you NOT want to be a part of that?!

5. Let them help you. Yes, this may make things harder for you in the end but the only they way they learn is by being taught. Cooking, setting the table, cleaning, doing laundry, planting flowers, the list could go on and on and on. And they WANT to do all of these things. It makes them feel important and helpful and close to you, so let them! Besides, someday they will be teenagers and they won't want to. (And maybe, just maybe, if you teach them the importance of taking responsibility for your home and yourself now, you won't raise ungrateful, little, entitled shits! ~ Rant over.)

6. Take a walk. Now this one seems very simple but kids are intrigued by just about everything so go for a walk with them and let them talk your ear off.

7. Ask them questions. This can go hand in had with just about everything above but if I'm being honest, and I am, then sometimes I don't ask my kids questions because I'm in a hurry and "I don't have enough time" to hear the entire answer. This is, of course, very untrue. I have plenty of time to hear everything they tell me, because if I don't then someday they just won't talk to me and that sounds like utter hell.

8. Bake with them. Why? Because children need to be taught to cook. Why? Because baking teaches basic math skills. Why? Because if they can bake they can make homemade gifts for their friends and loved ones for the rest of their lives. Why? Because when you are done you have yummy treats to eat!

9. Take road trips. Now, I know these can be challenging. But I truly believe in the power of endless hours in the car. As I said to a friend recently, "I want my kiddos to know I love them so much, that I'm willing to spend 20 hours in the car with them!" Look for a How We Survive Road Trips post very soon!

10. Look them in the eye and tell them you love them. Tell them they are smart. Tell them what they do well. Tell them you are proud of them. Tell them they are funny. But most importantly: LOOK THEM IN THE EYE! I believe in this. I really do. Eye contact is truly a connection, we can say any number of things but did the other person really hear you? Understand you? You'll never know if you don't look them in the eye.

Well there 'ya go! Maybe these will help you too. Maybe you need a reminder just as much as I do, that being a Mommy can be very tough and we all need to remember what's important once in a while. Or maybe you need some ideas on how to connect with your little ones. Whatever you needed, I hope you found it! Oh and one more thing: I truly believe a glass of wine after bed time makes me a better mommy. And wife. And woman. It just makes me happy!

The Journey, Part 4

I do not believe that my illness is some form of punishment. I believe its genetic and that the hormone therapy I spoke of earlier negatively effected my endocrine system and was simply the key my body needed to jump-start multiple autoimmune diseases that would have eventually started on their own. Doctors do not know the cause of Hashimoto's but you can read more about their theories here.


I believe in God. And I believe that through prayer and worship I have everything I need. That he gives us everything we need. All the information I need to help myself is out there. I just have to have my eyes open and be willing to look for it.

I know many will ask, if I worked so hard, if I lost those 25 lbs and was finally looking in a mirror and liking myself again, why did I let myself slide back? Well old habits die hard, I guess. And honestly? I just changed the outside. I didn't do anything the first time to deal with emotional and spiritual side of my issues. We've all heard one person or another, or watched a scene on a TV show or read an article about this exact thing: LOSING THE WEIGHT DOES NOT MAKE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR!

The weight is just a symptom, it is NOT the problem.

And now in March of 2013, my faith in God has brought me back here. To my blog. Many will find the title of my blog a little disconcerting when placed alongside my faith. Please don't, because I'm not perfect. And at the end of a long day sometimes I drink a glass of wine or two. And that doesn't make me any less of a Christian. It just makes me an honest one. I'm sarcastic and kind of vain. I'm not always the best mommy but I'm trying. I don't always do what I should and I recognize that I have faults. And I want to share my knowledge, my life lessons and my journey with all of you.

My hope is that this blog helps me to let go of the control I so desperately cling to. To put it all out there and know that ultimately nothing on this Earth is within my control. To know that sharing our lives is why we are here and that if we don't, we will leave this Earth not having given everything we could. And when I've spent my last days here I want to know that I've done everything within my human power to leave it a little bit better.

Eating whole foods and learning as much as I can about food and nutrition has become a passion I want to share. Thanks to my pilates trainer, who is also a health coach, my beliefs about food have greatly changed.  Please check out her blog The Whole Beet. You will learn so much!

I'll post recipes and crafts. I'll post style guides and fashion tips, exercises and outfits. I'll post medical knowledge that I learn, and as I go along on this journey of treating my body with whole foods, I'll share it with you. I'll post my kiddos shenanigans, my kiddos sweet moments, funny stories about my husband and our relationship. Helpful hints on how to make your marriage amazing (it's become one of our focuses this year, so I'll share that journey as well). And last but certainly not least. I'll share my faith with you. I'll share my God with you. Because I am called to. Because I need to.

I hope you'll join my journey.   

The Journey, Part 3

Time to make changes. Well the sentence seems easy enough but it just wasn't that simple. I've heard it said about Celiacs, that giving up gluten is the hardest thing in the world to do because everyone eats it. Gluten is everywhere. It's a part of our culture. And that no Celiac will ever just give it up and be done. There come a moment where a choice has to be made, and that choice is to view gluten as a poison. And that until you view the gluten as a poison, that every time you put it in your body you are poisoning yourself, you will never give it up completely. How does this correspond to me? Well, I sometimes eat junk. Highly processed, full of crap junk. Why is this important? Well it upsets the natural balance of my endocrine system. And since my endocrine system has little balance to begin with, basically I'm f*cking up the inside of my body.  (Sorry if the language offends, sometimes it is very much needed.)

And what's worse? I don't feed my children that junk. Just me. My oldest son, Carson, is allergic to corn. That means corn syrup and high fructose corn syrup as well. And basically from the time he started consuming table food instead of baby food, the pre-packaged, processed crap has never been in our house. And for the first year and a half we just didn't buy it. Then we started buying it and not eating it in front of him. And then we started buying it and just telling him he couldn't have it. Which now, looking back on the behavior, was just plain mean. And what it all boils down to? Selfishness. I wanted to eat girl scout cookies and candy bars and chips and sugary cereals and candy and snack crackers and the list could go on and on.

So in January 2012, I went on the Reboot Your Life challenge with the help of my Endocrinologist. Please go read all about it, I highly recommend it. Keep in mind, it is not for everyone. We tested all my nutrition levels, protein specifically, because during the Reboot you give up all animal products. Basically you go Vegan. And my husband, God bless him, did it with me for the most part. He ate what I ate. So did my kiddos, only I'd grill up a chicken or turkey breast to add to their meal. They are growing boys after all! I purchased a juicer and I started. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the hardest 15 days of my life. Because it was. I learned a lot about fruits and vegetables. What is organic? And why it's better for you. What veggies and fruits should always be organic and which ones can you successfully wash and clean. Which vegetable has more potassium or Vitamin C or Zinc. Same for fruit. Why I should eat which one and what do they do in my body?

We ate baked acorn squash with mushroom and oregano stuffing. We ate cold soups (turns out I like those) and tons of salad. I juiced beets and fennel and celery and cucumbers and pineapples and pears and strawberries and kale and spinach. I learned about fiber content and why you shouldn't juice the spinach and the kale and you should blend it into your juice afterwards.

And halfway through I had to add lean protein back into the mix as my levels had become too low for my doctors liking. But you know what? By the end... no hives. I went 14 days without a single hive for the first time in over a year and a half. It was pure heaven! And the best part of it all? I stopped taking the steroids. The day I started juicing, I threw out the bottle. And I've never looked back.

And thanks to the juicing I was able to start working out again. I still had to shower immediately afterwards, as leaving the sweat on my skin is a big no-no for the hives, but as long as I drank my juice daily, going to the gym and giving 110% was not a problem anymore.

The juicing gave me back my life. And while that sounds over-dramatic, its not. It changed my belief system about modern medicine and healing our bodies with food.

At the end of my Reboot I had lost 7 lbs, and my doctor and I had that discussion about my weight. I was now sitting at 200lbs. We ultimately decided on prescription weight loss. Phentermine, click for more information. I was nervous, the side effects were definitely scary sounding but I knew I needed help. And they worked. The only side effect I had was dry mouth. And when I worked out I was sweating more than normal but to be honest that one didn't bother me.  In a matter of 3 months I dropped 25 lbs. I was ecstatic!

And so she took me off the phentermine. And while I kept up the exercise and the diet, slowly the weight began to creep back up on me. It was Spring so being outside more meant that I was moving more and the weight was slower to come on this time.  Summer came and we traveled and ate out more, so I got lazy. In Texas, the heat becomes unbearable by August so you stop going outside as much and find yourself sitting in the AC. And preschool started back up for he boys and I found myself looking in the mirror.

It had taken about 6 months until I had gained it all back + some. And by October of 2012, I was back to hovering around 200 lbs and I was back to hating my body and myself. And with the self loathing came the little voice who said it was okay to eat the junk. And the more junk I ate, the worse I felt. And the worse I felt the less I cared. And the less I cared, well that was the downslide that brings me here. Once again overweight. Once again suffering from the hives. Because even though I know, food is the cure I can't seem to make myself cure myself. Why?

Well because it is human nature to be selfish. To want things even though we know they are bad for us. To do things even though we know we shouldn't. To not do things even though we know we should.

Something else happened in October of 2012 though. We, my husband and I, found a church. Grace Avenue Methodist Church, I believe found us, that God put me there. Because finding Grace Avenue is what has led me to this point, where I can be honest and up front about my journey. Re-focusing my life back onto my faith. Focusing on God, teaching myself to let go of my silly need to control everything, has centered my mind and allowed me to look at what I've done to myself with both forgiveness and honesty.  I let my human nature lead me away from everything that is important. I let my wants and desires rule my choices. In terms of the Christian faith, which is what I believe in, I sinned.

So what next? Why am I here, telling you my story?
  

Getting my SEXY Back

I have a feeling I am not alone in the following: Before kids I was a sexy, Victoria's Secret wearing, flaunt what the good Lord gave you, type of woman. I made no bones about the fact that I looked damn good and I was damn proud of it. It wasn't just a body confidence, it was an inner confidence.  I was fierce. And my wardrobe was built of low cut, tight fitting everything. It was going out clothes and relaxing clothes and not much in between. And because I am not stupid, I am more than aware that that is how my hubby liked it.

And then I had babies. Oh, the babies. And with the babies came 60 pounds. And with the 60 pounds came a loss of identity.

I can say that now. Now that my youngest is almost three years old and I've had time to process what exactly I allowed to happen. Nothing happened to me. I wasn't just sitting there and BAM! I was a different person. Change takes time and as that time came and went, I allowed myself to become someone I no longer recognized. Someone I didn't really actually like anymore.

Besides the weight and the loss of my outward confidence, I let myself become jaded toward those women who had fought to maintain their bodies. Jaded towards those women who seemed to still flirt and play with their husbands, who seemed to still enjoy their lives. I built up this wall of cool and smart-assy that prohibited me from taking part in the lives of these women that I might have learned something from. All because I inwardly hated myself for becoming fat.

Now, don't get me wrong, along with all of these negatives came a couple of really awesome positives. I'm a damn fine mother. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. I lose my cool. I yell. I get bored and frustrated and all the other "we pretend we don't do those things so people will like us" words. The monotony of stay-at-home-mommydom gets to me just as it gets to all of you who are in my boat. But... I'm a good mom. I work at it. I give it my all and I fail and I pick myself up and keep going. That's all anyone can ever ask of me.

And I'm working on becoming a really great wife. I wasn't before and it's something I'm making a conscience effort to change. Loving someone is a full time job (a job you should want to do) and somewhere along side all of the above, I forgot that.

But what I'm not and what I really want to be, is an AMAZING WOMAN. A woman who knows her wants and desires and conquers her day with abundant faith and hope and love. A woman who turns to God instead of food to fuel her emotional and physical needs. A woman who knows when to ask for help and when to say, "no, I can't" or "yes, I can". A woman who puts God first. Who focuses on that relationship because it is ultimately all that matters. A woman who realizes that her sex appeal is directly related to her inner strength and inner beauty. I want to be a woman who understands that elusive balance of mind, body and spirit.

I want to be sexy. Again.

But I want it differently now. I want that "sexy" to be a bit refined and modern. I want that sexy to radiate from a confidence of knowing myself. Knowing my abilities and my weaknesses. I want that "sexy" to be mother nature and go-go girl and spiritual leader all wrapped into a package of fierce and kind and loving.

How I get there I'm not exactly sure but I think it starts with my bible and a trip to the gym.

Oh and maybe a dose of kindness for myself. After all; Life is a journey, not a destination.   

The Journey, Part 1

Almost 2 years ago I began breaking out in hives for what appeared to be, at the time, no reason. I had put on over 40 lbs in just over a year, even though there had not been a drastic change to my diet. I was lethargic and exhausted and if I found the motivation to go to the gym, it wasn't much of a workout and didn't last for long. At the time I was 27 years old and a stay-at home-mom to a 3 year old little boy (5 now) and an 11 month old little boy (almost 3 now). And thus began my search for answers. That search has been a whirlwind of a journey to say the least and now, I've decided to share this journey with the blogosphere and the world.

 

It all began Easter weekend 2011. I was in my hometown with my family and after going for a walk and doing a little mat Pilates on the back porch with my sister Julie, I noticed what I thought was a bug bite. I'm extremely allergic to most bug bites, meaning that I don't get the normal little bump or red area but something more like the size of a half dollar, raised welt. To be honest I just didn't think much of it. I took a Benedryl and went about my day. As the weekend came to a close, I had noticed a few more of these but again, just thought I'd gotten into something, popped a Benedryl and went about my day. The next couple of weeks progressed and became scary and strange.

These welts, turned into full blown hives. And when I say hives, I do not mean a small rash. I'm talking huge raised, red welts that itched and burned and if God-forbid you should dare to actually scratch one in hopes of relief, the pain and burning was close to unbearable. This coming from a woman who went through natural childbirth with my oldest. I can tolerate most things pretty well. And they were not in places where you want things to itch. My rear, my private areas, all over my breasts, my stomach and back, my "trunk" for lack of a better term was covered. They were not all day and were definitely worse at night. Benedryl seemed to control them but I was to the point of taking 6-8 per day and living on an influx of caffeine to keep myself going. Needless to say, this was not the way to parent, let alone live. So I finally went to our family doctor.

He prescribed steroids. Which makes perfect sense. I was describing what appeared to be an allergic reaction to something and over-the-counter antihistamines were no longer cutting it. Besides the nasty side effect of being wide awake, the steroids did nothing. I saw no relief from the hives. And then one day a migraine hit. This was not abnormal, I've gotten hormone induced migraines that correspond with my menstruation starting after delivery of my first son. Hormones, ladies and gentleman, are in charge of your body, don't you ever forget it. So I took a prescription strength (800 mg) Ibuprofen and waited for relief. It didn't come and in fact the hives that had been relatively small that day in comparison to days past just got worse and worse. Until I was not able to sit down or be still at all, I was crying, I was in pain, I felt like my skin, all of it, was on fire. Besides the fact that my behavior was scaring me, it was scaring my children. So as soon as my husband walked in that door from work, I went to an after hours clinic. That was the day that it was explained to me that Ibuprofen makes skin conditions worse. I had basically done this to myself! I was given a steroid shot, which worked, even though I had been on steroids for over a week with little to no relief. And I was told to follow up with my doctor.

So I did. We decided to see an allergist. And until I could get to the allergist I was to track everything I put in my body. I've been food journaling now for over a year and a half. It is almost 2nd nature to me. The allergist asked all of the basic questions. Had I changed any of my soaps? Detergents? Cleaning products? Was I eating anything new? Was I doing anything new? And the answers to all of these questions was no... well sort of.

In February of 2011 I had started undergoing a series of hormone injections in hopes of slowing down the growth of pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Since I was 18 I have undergone multiple procedures to remove these cells and this time the cells were much more aggressive than they ever had been before so we opted for a newer treatment. The hope was to give me a few more years, child-bearing years that is, before we needed to discuss other options. I've also for years had been dumping my eggs from my ovaries. I'll go through months where my ovaries release multiple eggs at a time and then have a year of complete normalcy. All of this internal behavior... hormone related. These hormone injections made me moody. I gained weight. I began to suffer from depression. I was put on yet more medication to help alleviate the side effects. And by June of 2011, 2 months into what I describe as "hive hell", we were done with the hormone treatment. And for all intents and purposes it worked. I've gone 2 years without any more growth of these cells and have not had an ovary dump (that's my own little catch phrase) since.

But at what cost to my body?

By July I had had allergy testing done. I was allergic to everything, at least it felt that way. Chicken (you read that right), all squash (yellow, zuccini, pumpkin, butternut, etc.), strawberries, pineapple, peaches, broccoli and the list of environmental allergies is too long to get into. But grasses were a big one. So for 6 weeks I gave up all of that in hopes of something. Anything! And by this time we were 2 months into summer. In. Texas. That meas 105-degrees and no wind and 2 little boys who wanted to stay busy. And I noticed something. Heat and sweat made the hives significantly worse. So not only was being outside horrible it kept me from going to the gym. The confinement of a sports bra (I'm a DD, so we must be locked and loaded for exercise) added to the heat and sweat meant that before I could get in my door and in a cool shower, the hives were rampant and I was miserable. So lets do the math: hormone treatment + steroids + no gym time = a very overweight and unhappy girl.

I know where some readers are going to go here, so I'll just stop you now. Obviously I have some fault in the over weight factor. I could've cut my calories from 1600 per day to 1200 when I realized all the other factors at play. But I didn't and hindsight's 20/20. It doesn't help me any to beat myself up about it now. And to be honest while I know it would've curbed the gain a little, it wouldn't have curbed it all.

And besides it turned out there were other problems to contend with...

Stay tuned for The Journey, Part 2.