Getting my SEXY Back

I have a feeling I am not alone in the following: Before kids I was a sexy, Victoria's Secret wearing, flaunt what the good Lord gave you, type of woman. I made no bones about the fact that I looked damn good and I was damn proud of it. It wasn't just a body confidence, it was an inner confidence.  I was fierce. And my wardrobe was built of low cut, tight fitting everything. It was going out clothes and relaxing clothes and not much in between. And because I am not stupid, I am more than aware that that is how my hubby liked it.

And then I had babies. Oh, the babies. And with the babies came 60 pounds. And with the 60 pounds came a loss of identity.

I can say that now. Now that my youngest is almost three years old and I've had time to process what exactly I allowed to happen. Nothing happened to me. I wasn't just sitting there and BAM! I was a different person. Change takes time and as that time came and went, I allowed myself to become someone I no longer recognized. Someone I didn't really actually like anymore.

Besides the weight and the loss of my outward confidence, I let myself become jaded toward those women who had fought to maintain their bodies. Jaded towards those women who seemed to still flirt and play with their husbands, who seemed to still enjoy their lives. I built up this wall of cool and smart-assy that prohibited me from taking part in the lives of these women that I might have learned something from. All because I inwardly hated myself for becoming fat.

Now, don't get me wrong, along with all of these negatives came a couple of really awesome positives. I'm a damn fine mother. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. I lose my cool. I yell. I get bored and frustrated and all the other "we pretend we don't do those things so people will like us" words. The monotony of stay-at-home-mommydom gets to me just as it gets to all of you who are in my boat. But... I'm a good mom. I work at it. I give it my all and I fail and I pick myself up and keep going. That's all anyone can ever ask of me.

And I'm working on becoming a really great wife. I wasn't before and it's something I'm making a conscience effort to change. Loving someone is a full time job (a job you should want to do) and somewhere along side all of the above, I forgot that.

But what I'm not and what I really want to be, is an AMAZING WOMAN. A woman who knows her wants and desires and conquers her day with abundant faith and hope and love. A woman who turns to God instead of food to fuel her emotional and physical needs. A woman who knows when to ask for help and when to say, "no, I can't" or "yes, I can". A woman who puts God first. Who focuses on that relationship because it is ultimately all that matters. A woman who realizes that her sex appeal is directly related to her inner strength and inner beauty. I want to be a woman who understands that elusive balance of mind, body and spirit.

I want to be sexy. Again.

But I want it differently now. I want that "sexy" to be a bit refined and modern. I want that sexy to radiate from a confidence of knowing myself. Knowing my abilities and my weaknesses. I want that "sexy" to be mother nature and go-go girl and spiritual leader all wrapped into a package of fierce and kind and loving.

How I get there I'm not exactly sure but I think it starts with my bible and a trip to the gym.

Oh and maybe a dose of kindness for myself. After all; Life is a journey, not a destination.