Grace

I'm a little flabbergasted by myself lately. Who is this woman who constantly berates and belittles herself? Who is this woman who suddenly sees herself through dull and shattered lenses? Who is this woman with the "I can't do anything" attitude?

I'm not sure how I got here, since not so long ago I was so positive that I could put one foot in front of the other and successfully walk myself into a new and better world that could build me up to being the woman I'm meant to be. That all sounds so uplifting doesn't it? Yeah. Well. That is definitely not the way I feel right now.

Uplifted.

I feel lost. I look in the mirror and I see little that I recognize. A woman who hates her body. A woman who struggles to find focus. A woman who is pretty sure she's failing at being a mother lately. Failing at being a wife. A woman who should go to the gym but instead decides it's totally okay to eat that entire box of Thin Mints (Damn Girl Scout Cookie Season!!!). Because the food will make me feel better, right? Yeah. That'll happen.

And what's worse is that face looking back at me offers me no forgiveness. She offers me nothing in the way of comfort or grace. Ah. That's waht I need right now. A little grace. No. GRACE.

As in the biblical Grace. As in my Father forgives the sins of my body and my heart and my mind and covers me in Grace. Covers me in Grace when I don't know how to. Covers me in Grace when I can't figure out why I deserve it. Covers me in Grace when my questions are simply too much and too many to answer and He knows that what I truly need is a little Grace. God Grace. Heavenly Grace. His Grace.

And to ultimately give myself a little grace. And say, "tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will make better choices. Tomorrow I'll be kinder to myself, because there is always tomorrow." God has given me that. A tomorrow. A place and time to begin again. A knowledge that we learn and we live and hopefully, sometimes, we live and we learn. And in that process we lean on His Grace. Because we must. Because without it we are simply falling over. Falling into holes we've dug time and time again. And inside these holes are our fears and our imperfections and our inner (read: unkind) voices. And we cannot live in these holes.

At least I can't. I want the light and the kindness and the joy that I know is waiting for me if I can just trust in His Grace and climb. One foot in front of the other. A little bit higher. And lift myself up. So that I'm uplifted by His grace. So that when I look in that mirror I see a woman who has a God of love by her side. And He has covered her in that love and she feels amazing. She looks amazing. Because she has allowed herself the grace to become who she is supposed to be.

Yep. I've gotta get there. Time to climb.