So summer's coming. Did you know that? I mean it's 40 degrees outside right now (at least in Texas, I know my northern friends are FREEZING!) but everywhere I turn I'm bombarded with, "Get your beach body ready", "Summer will be here before you know it", "Time for shorts! Are you ready?". And then this lovely little one, stumbled onto my screen during my Pinterest browsing:
Okay. I get it. It's supposed to be funny. And then I thought about it and it crawled under my skin and here I am. Seething. Wanting to throw things. Because this little gem, it feels like truth. That's how my brain works. I can't wait to go to the pool, except I really hate the way I look in my swimsuit. I'm really looking forward to taking the boys to the park, except I'm sure my thighs are going to jiggle in my shorts and no one wants to see that. And don't even let my mind wander into tank top territory and how much I loathe my arms.
I'm a size 14. I'm average. And I despise being average with everything in me. Everywhere I turn the magazines and the motivation boards and the workout pins and the food blogs and the television shows and the news, tell me, that my average body is just not good enough. I need a thigh gap... and by golly I WANT one, I NEED one! Why? Well because I'm supposed to, right? Heaven knows if I had one I'd enjoy summer so much more because then my thighs wouldn't rub together and then I wouldn't get the dreaded lady part sweat. You know let's just call it what it is: VAGINA SWEAT!!! I know it's not pretty to think about but it happens. Boob sweat happens too.
And I WANT wedding arms. Whatever the hell that is because my wedding was 9 years ago! But those arms look so good. That perfectly toned shoulder and bicep. The non-jiggly tricep.
And I WANT that damn BRAZILIAN BOOTIE! Except I'm not Brazilian, and even in my thinner days I had no ass to speak of (white girl flat ass... it's a thing), and doing lunges is next to impossible because of how bad my knees are. I just fall over and it isn't graceful.
And I WANT to be skinny. I know. (blah) I'm supposed to say "I want to be healthy." (blah) "I want to be fit." (blah) "I want to be strong." (blah) But you ask any woman my size or larger what they really feel? How they really think? And I promise you, once you get to the core of it, we just want to be thin. Right, wrong or indifferent. We just want to stop being average and start looking like all the images we see EVERYWHERE! Because all of those images tell us we're not average. They tell us that if what we see everywhere is a size 2 than that is average and we are fat and we are bad and we are wrong for existing. Sounds harsh right? Truth hurts.
And you know what's really funny, I think I actually do prefer the cold but I'm not sure if that is a personality preference I've always had or if that's just something I've tricked my brain into believing over the last few years because I despise summer clothes and my body. I tell people I prefer winter. That I like to layer and love all the sweaters and boots and scarves. And because hating my body has become such an ingrained part of who I am I can't even distinguish the truth anymore. Do I love winter? Or do I love summer? I just really don't know. And I think that's something we should all be able to answer.
So here I sit, wanting it stay cold forever even though I can't feel my fingers as I type because of how cold they are! Loathing a season that isn't even here yet because I'm worrying over people I don't know staring at the cellulite that has cropped up on my thighs over the last year or the arm jiggle as I push my kids in a swing or my belly flab as slip into the pool as fast as possible hoping to hide all of my imperfections. Here I sit picking apart everything about me because some damn eecard that was supposed to be humorous just ended up pissing me off. And making me cry.
And in my heart. Somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses, I know I'm good enough just as I am. That I'm a damn fine mother and wife and woman. And that I've got no one to compare myself to because there is only one me and while I may want to change things about myself, the want to change does not mean I'm not a wonderful person the way I am. It just means I'm searching for growth and self-acceptance and inner confidence. And I should love myself.
I should love myself.
I should love myself.
I'm going to work on loving myself.
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